I miss how we used to
by Kaitsa
Summary: Nessie is seventeen, but still she is only friends with Jake, even though he is crazy in love with her. One night however, she get's confused about her feelings. Rated M for lemon.


**Summary: Nessie is seventeen, but still she is only friends with Jake, even though he is crazy in love with her. One night however, she get's confused about her feelings. Rated M for lemon.**

**This is an alternative pathway into the story 'Let it Be'. You don't need to read that one first. This one-shot is entirely separate. I wrote it for my team Jacob readers (on request ;-) ). The only characters are Jacob and Nessie. **

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**JPOV**

Me and Nessie were sitting in my living room, watching a movie together. She was leaning against me in the couch. I obviously was not watching the movie, but her. Adoring her freckles, her cheeks that blushed because she was just a little tired. As always, she was clueless about my utter devotion. Finding comfort in my friendship, never wanting anything more from me. Even though I was ready to give her absolutely everything.

Tonight she seemed distracted. She took my hand and was absently tracing my palm and my fingers with hers. Whatever she was thinking about, I let her be, I enjoyed her touch.

Suddenly she asked without looking up at me "Jake?".

"Hmmm?"

She hesitated.

"I miss how we used to be. I don't blame you, I know I'm too old now for certain things, but I miss them anyway. Sometimes. Like now."

"What things?" I asked. I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Just… do you remember you used to let me fall asleep in your arms? I loved that, you are so warm and your wolf scent was better than any lullaby. Now you never let me sleep in your arms. And you used to rub my back when I was dozing off, but you don't do that anymore either."

I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't tell her that I still imagine holding her every night when I go to sleep, but that I can't let this happen now, because my heart gets fooled into believing she's mine, and my inhibitions would fade.

She continued: "and I remember when I was growing up, you told me you loved me all the time. Now you never say that anymore. And I get that, but still, it was nice to hear."

Why do I never say it anymore? Because now I love her too much. And she can't find out. She needs to choose me, without any pushing. I have to be patient, wait for her to fall for me. If she ever will. Right now, I'm not so sure she will, she's almost eighteen and all she wants from me is friendship.

"Do you want me to rub your back and tell you I love you?" I asked softly.

"I'm not saying you should do that, just that I sometimes wish things were still that way. That simple."

"Yeah, I wish that too sometimes."

"Can't we just for once pretend we're years back? Can you just hold me and rub my back?"

"Um. Sure."

She pushed me down on the couch, so I was on my back, and she nestled herself between me and the couch. Her head was on my chest, that way she still saw the screen, and my arm was around her shoulder. I hesitantly placed my hand on her back, and started moving it in circles, like I always had. She hummed, and I smiled. Sometimes things could be this simple.

However, in real life, things never were this simple. In reality her breath against my neck got my skin covered in goose bumps, her breasts pressed against my side made something stir in my pants, and her hand was absently tracing circles over my stomach now.

And then she lowered it, slid it under my shirt and back up over my abs.

I froze. I think I even stopped breathing.

"I love feeling your warm skin" she sighed happily.

I relaxed a bit, and continued rubbing her back. Only now, without further thinking about it, my hand slid under her shirt as well, moving back up and caressing the sensitive skin of her back with my fingertips.

This time she actually purred. "This feels so... hmmm, I forgot how good you felt."

Now things were stirring not only in my pants, but right about everywhere. My stomach fluttered, my heartbeat raced.

And suddenly I remembered what else she wanted me to do, and I whispered into her hair "I love you Nessie."

Her hand on my abs stopped moving for just a second, and then continued, over my chest and down my stomach again.

"Say it again." she breathed.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." It felt so amazing to finally be able to say it. I know it sounded nothing like my lov ya's when I was the babysitter putting her to bed, she must know the true meaning now. Know that I actually love her with all my heart, body and soul. She shouldn't have found out, but I knew she would someday, it became harder and harder for me not to act on my lovesick feelings.

"I love you too, and god, I love your touch."

I swallowed hard. Almost couldn't believe what she was doing to me. I was losing myself completely. This was not simple at all. I would get crushed again. She will just finish the movie and then get up and leave, saying it was nice and that's it.

Right now, I didn't care.

"I love your touch too." I whispered, almost too soft to hear.

I pulled her even closer against me.

"Are you turned on?" she asked, and I almost choked. Obviously I didn't answer.

"Because I am," she added.

My hand stopped moving. I sighed and shook my head.

"See Ness, that's why we can't do this anymore. Why you are too old and things are different."

"I don't mind, I kinda like being turned on. Do _you_ mind that I am?"

And again no answer came. She was shocking me thoroughly today. What's gotten into her?

"Please go on?" she pleaded, while her fingers were sliding over my burning skin.

So that's what I did. I kept stroking her back and she started writhing slightly under my hand. Se clearly _did_ love my touch.

My fingers moved from her neck, over her shoulders down her back and then to her sides and back up again. Her shirt was shifted up a bit. This was not the kind of rubbing I used to do. I used to make circles in the middle of her back with my palm. On top of her clothes. But she didn't complain, quite on the contrary.

I think maybe my hand went further down than it should have, and maybe, when traveling upwards over her sides I did go a little too far as well. But I didn't care right now. She wanted me to.

Why else would she tell me she's turned on?

Wait a minute. Don't get carried way here. She just loves to feel my touch and enjoys this while she is watching the movie. That's all. Down boy.

"Do you want me to take off my shirt?"

"Ness!" Not helping. At all. You're making this even harder on me.

"We're not doing anything wrong, are we? I like to feel your hands on me, and you like to touch me too, right?"

"Right." I said hesitantly.

That was all confirmation she needed. She pushed herself up a bit, and lifted her shirt over her head, before laying down. Her hand immediately disappeared underneath my shirt again. I was motionless.

"Will you say it again? Please?" I breathed in deeply. Whatever gotten into her today, I decided I liked it.

"I love you." I said, and I smiled as I placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

She took my hand and put it on her waist, silently urging me on to keep caressing her skin.

How can she act so innocent when she has such devilish effect on me?

Without her shirt, my hand had even more freedom to roam her entire back, and she pressed herself closer to me. As if that wasn't enough to make me rock hard in my pants, she curled her fingers a bit, and softly let her nails scrape over my skin. My breath hitched. I was lost.

"Are you still watching the movie?" I asked. It became harder for me to believe that she was just absently and mindlessly driving me insane. Beyond insane.

"No" she answered, and hid her face in my neck, as if this was a confession that made her shy. So she knew what she was doing.

"What do you want Nessie?" I really had no idea, and hopefully she could enlighten me here.

"I don't know. I just want to be close to you. Closer even."

"Closer than this?" I stopped carressing her, confused.

"Yes. Is that wrong?"

"I think so yes. This…" I was looking for the right words. "What we do now, is not something friends are supposed to do." More something lovers do.

"But why shouldn't we, if it feels good?"

"Because tomorrow things will feel different." Frustrated. Confused. Lonely. Hurt.

"I don't care about tomorrow," she whispered.

"We have to care Nessie. What we share is important enough to care."

"I know, but right now…" she sighed deeply "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry. I just want to hold you, and…"

She didn't finish her sentence.

"And what?"

"Nothing."

"Nessie." I groaned. She's messing with me too much.

She sat up just a little, leaning on her elbow, her face close to me, eyes looking into mine.

"I guess I'm just confused."

"What about? You know you can tell me anything."

"About you and me."

"How so?"

"I used to see you as a big brother. And now… This…"

"How do you see me now?" I braced myself for the answer, that could potentially kill me. Or make me the happiest man alive.

"I don't know. You're more than a friend, you're the most important person in the world to me. But we changed." She looked suddenly sad.

"I still love you, you know that right?"

"Yes. And I love you too. I hate to be confused. Can't we for just for a little while longer pretend it's simple still?"

"Nessie, if there's a problem, you can't ignore it."

"The only problem is that I don't know what I feel or what I want. Just that I want to be closer. To you. I don't want to go home today. I want to stay here. Sleep here." She admitted softly.

I was going to give her everything she wanted. Perhaps this was the moment I have been waiting for. Maybe now she was finally falling for me. Without me pushing her. She was asking. And I was giving.

"How much closer?"

"I don't know."

"Try to explain."

"For instance… I want you to take off your shirt too."

I lifted my torso a little from the couch, and she pulled my shirt over my head.

"You can get as close as you want Nessie." Life is that simple. Anything you want.

As for me, I will deal with any heartache later. Right now, I'm taking a chance.

She lay down again, her hand on my stomach, and her face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around her, and pressed her against me, hugging her. "As close as you want" I whispered in her hair.

"Touch me again?"

I did. My fingertips wandered over her back, goose bumps arose wherever I passed and she purred again, grinding herself against me. All my inhibitions were melting. If she didn't watch out, she was going to get closer to me alright. Closer than she can imagine. I tried to keep my hips still, but her movements, her squirming, made it extremely hard on me. Hard being the key word here.

"Ness, you drive me crazy." the words escaped before I could stop them. But she didn't seem surprised.

"I know. I think I like it. You're kinda driving me crazy too."

I groaned.

"This is dangerous. Maybe we should stop."

"No. Don't stop. I want more."

Fuck. I want more too. My breath was unsteady. She kept making these delicious movements, her breast against my skin, only a thin layer of underwear between us, her nails digging into my shoulder.

And then it happened.

Something that shouldn't have.

"I'm in love with you."

She looked up at my face, stopping all movements. I froze as well. I could punch myself, cursed myself for ruining this moment. For ruining the agreement I had with her family. With myself. For spilling my biggest secret.

"What did you say?"

I might as well be completely honest now.

"I'm in love with you, Ness." I looked into her eyes, pleading her not to break my heart.

"How do you know? Maybe you're just turned on like I am."

"I've been in love for a long time."

"Really? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you're my best friend. I didn't want to loose you."

"You won't loose me. Ever. You know I need you."

"Still. Things are not simple anymore."

Suddenly she smiled.

"Things are _very_ simple now."

"They are?"

"Yes! I think I'm in love with you too. That's what I'm so confused about. I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. I think about you all the time, and I want to be with, hold you, get closer. It's so obvious."

"Are you serious?"

"Of course. Think I would joke about that?"

"No. I think I'm dreaming."

"You're not. I'm sure... I'm in love." she looked into my face and beamed. I knew she wasn't lying or pretending for my sake. She looked so relieved to finally understand her messed up feelings.

Still I wasn't ready to believe. I was still bracing myself to be heartbroken in the morning. And the further this evening went, the more crushed I would be tomorrow.

Her wide smile faded a bit, she became thoughtful and then said "Now what?"

I chuckled. "I thought you figured things would be very simple now?"

"To me yes. Now I know. But what with us?"

"Could be simple too." I said hopeful "I could be yours and you could be mine."

"And the friendship?"

"I'll still be your best friend. But it would be okay to hold each other like this. And to know that nobody else is holding us like this."

"Yes. I would like that. I don't want anybody else holding you. So I'm your girlfriend then?"

I nodded. It was harder now, to keep my heart in check, my hopes, my dreams, every fiber of my being was starting to glow with happiness, and a smile appeared on my face.

She looked at me and smiled back.

She put one hand on my cheek and said "You're my sunshine, my wolf, _and_ my boyfriend. Things can't get much better, can they?"

"I guess not." I answered, and my eyes were watering up, just like hers.

We lay there, shirtless, motionless, looking into each other's eyes. Suddenly seeing a different person. Lovers. And the rest of the world didn't matter anymore.

"Can I kiss you?" I said carefully.

"You don't have to ask me that, you're my boyfriend." she grinned and leaned in closer to me.

I lifted my head from the couch, and my hand went around her neck.

Our lips touched ever so softly, our first kiss, sweet and romantic. The first of millions more to come.

Lips were moving slowly, tongues sliding over each other, hands softly caressing skin as they did before, arms wrapped around bodies, pulling closer.

She was now laying on top of me, and I was sure she could feel me down there. I didn't mind, it was some sort of message for her, to let her know I was affected by her naked skin. Asking her to be careful if she wasn't ready for more. She wasn't a virgin, so she must know what she was doing to me.

I hoped to have eternity with her, and I have waited for almost eighteen years, so I wouldn't rush her now. Be patient.

But she seemed like she didn't need my patience. She was kissing me passionately. Grinding her hips against me.

It was me who broke the kiss, panting. Our foreheads were resting against each other.

"I love you Nessie. I love you so much."

"I love you too. And I want you. Please make love to me?" seeing her shy eyes and blushing cheeks when she asked me that, made my insides twist and turn.

"Are you sure, honey?"

"Yes. You want me right?"

I simply took her hand and placed it over my pants.

"Does that answer your question?"

She responded by pressing her lips on mine again. This kiss was different, because she kept her hand on my erection, and she softly rubbed it through my pants, up and down. My hands were stroking her back and her breasts, touching every skin I could reach.

Whenever I moaned, she would give me some more pressure, eliciting even more moans.

Until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and pulled her with me. I started unbuttoning her jeans, but then looked into her eyes, and stopped.

"I still can't believe this is really happening."

"It's real, I love you. I really do." Her hands were taking care of my belt now.

"Don't you think this a little too fast?" Please say no, I want you so – so – bad.

"Do you?"

"No. But I have longed for this for a very long time."

"Me too. I have fantasized about you, even before I realized what these feelings meant."

"You have?"

She blushed.

"I'm seventeen. I finally realized I want you, all of you. And you want me too. I don't want to wait any longer. And neither do you." she stated, when she freed my cock from my jeans.

We got undressed and lay back down again, like before.

Kissing again. And letting our hands wander around, exploring. I touched the body I loved most for the first time.

I relished in the effect my hands had on her. I moved my fingers over her breasts and whenever one of my fingertips touched her nipple, her breath would shudder and her hips bucked against mine. Our mouths had moved, placing kisses on cheeks, ears, necks. In the mean time, her hand had gone back to its previous position. Only now there were no more pants separating our skin. She wrapped her hand around the head and squeezed softly, making me bite down gently in her neck.

At this, she released her hand, and lowered herself over me. She was dripping wet, but still felt amazingly tight. I told her to go slow, or I wouldn't last long, and she carefully moved her hips against mine, looking into my eyes. We couldn't keep ourselves down, we drove each other too crazy, and our bodies chose to speed up. To give in completely.

It started to dawn on me, that she was mine, that she loved me, that I was making love to my Nessie, and this made me emotional. We were frenzied, bodies grinding and bucking, but in my mind and in my heart, there was peace. Finally. A stray tear escaped, and she softly wiped it away. She understood and said "I'm yours baby. Forever."

I gave myself to her. She always had me, but now she accepted.

And when I came I pulled her close to me, swearing that I would never let her go again.

And as she lay on my chest, recovering, I whispered in her hair "forever."

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**AN: Like or don't like? Let me know! :-)**


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